OH PLEASE, NOT APPLEBEE'S

“Oh that is such bull$*&t,” I said after seeing a television commercial for Applebee’s during Sunday football. The spot went something like this. It’s closing time at Applebee’s, while the TV news reports their high school football team losing a real heartbreaker. The staff pouts their heads. You can see it, this one really hurt. Man if there were ever a place where these boys could find a dose of encouragement; an “attaboy” about keeping their chins up, it was here at Applebee’s. Oh, but wait, Applebee’s is closing up for the night, and…oh no…of all things, the team bus just pulled up! Jeez, not now, not in this deep state of gridiron malaise. A few players hop off the bus, where seeing the dark Applebee’s sinks their morale even further. But wait, there’s hope. The kid wiping the bar says, “I can stay for a while,” as if ready to lay sandbags behind a swelling levee. The rest of gang decides they can stay too! And who were we to assume this is just another corporate restaurant chain? Finally the manager, all swell and avuncular, opens the door and says, “Come on in boys, I bet you’re hungry.” Applebee’s to the rescue…THE END.

As I wiped the oozing contrivances from my television set, I wondered if this ad was focus grouped anywhere besides Mayberry. I mean, I’ve eaten at Applebee’s before, and they’re generally a friendly bunch, even without pinning bonhomie on their suspenders. However, to position themselves as a late night support group is preposterous. You’d have thought Walter Cronkite just delivered some somber news from Dallas the way this ad began. Clearly these ads are a preemptive strike to avoid being an accomplice in the continuous raping of Main Street. The message: Applebee’s obviously cares about the towns whose outskirts they reside in, unlike, say, the big bad Wal-Mart across the highway. And yet, other than Manhattan, one would be hard pressed to find this “local” eatery anywhere besides spitting distance from the Interstate. So much for “Eatin’ Good in the Neighborhood” as their slogan suggests.

I called a number of Applebee’s stores around the country, just to see what kind of neighborhood presence they really had. According to Applebee’s website, 75 percent of their stores are individually franchised; so there’s your grassroots connection, I guess. Their stores are also supposed to have a “neighborhood message board” posting community affairs. So what’s on that board at the Applebee’s in Chantilly, Virginia? “Let me check,” Kelly, the cheerful assistant manager, said. After a moment of pleasant hold music, she comes back on, “There’s nothing up there,” she said. “But seriously, if you have something, by all means let us know.” Great. When asked the same question in Aurora, Colorado, I got the menu specials, where an extra push was put on the shrimp scampi. I rephrased the question, where I was then told they participated in some fundraising with a regional hospital. OK, but was this fundraising effort initiated by this particular Applebee’s? “It’s done as part of the Mountain Division,” she said. Nice, but not exactly a direct link to the community.

I then called the Applebee’s in Mesquite, Texas near Dallas. Of all the stores contacted, this location seemed to have the greatest community involvement. Andy, one of the managers, told me “We have fundraisers with the drill teams and cheerleaders at Horn High School all the time.” Happy to hear this, I asked where he was in case I’m passing through Dallas, “On the service road next to I-635, between Home Depot and Kohls.” For some reason, I’m betting this isn’t a spot where kids play stickball in the street.

Car washes are also a popular fundraising event at Applebee’s. Anthony, in Edison, New Jersey said “We did…umm…one in late August, I think.” He wasn’t sure about doing anything with the local schools, but said laughingly, “we do hang up a few team pictures.” When talking to Danny, a five year veteran with the chain in Tucson, about the TV commercial being aired, he chuckled, “Well, I don’t know if I can convince everyone to stay if a bus pulls up after we’re closed. But we do whatever we can to accommodate everyone.” Danny’s Applebee’s is located next to two other restaurants indigenous to Arizona, Red Lobster and Boston Market.

Lastly I spoke to David, the manager of the La Habra, California Applebee’s near Anaheim. “We do lots with the Boys and Girls Clubs. In December we’re doing a breakfast with Santa where all employee’s volunteer.” They do fundraisers with the police and fire departments as well. Then he added that these fundraisers were largely “a corporate thing.” “A corporate thing,” a ha, my skepticism was confirmed.

I’m sure Applebee’s also claims cleanliness and being pest free. However, with claiming a connection to their “neighborhood”, I will always smell a rat.