YEAR IN REVIEW

The end of the year is a time for lists. You name it, there’s a list. Best songs of the year, best movies of the year, best Olympic moments (that’s that thing where they run, jump and swim a lot every four years), best late night monologue gaffes, biggest political faux pas…sheesh it’s infinite.

So without further ado, let’s move forward with my take on the 2004 NFL season (and the league in general) and pull some stones that have yet to be unturned. Enough with the opening pleasantries, let’s dive right in.

Worst Stadium Name: Monster Park, San Francisco 49ers

As if we didn’t already have enough reasons to cite the ignominious demise of what was once one of pro football’s most storied franchises, we’ve overlooked perhaps the most flagrant whoring of all stadium naming rights. In case you’re wondering, it’s not Monster.com that purchased the arena’s title, but Monster Cable (damn fine speaker wire). Frankly, the former would be more appropriate, as the miserly practices of the York family would prompt many front office hacks to forward their resumes elsewhere, not to mention those on the field. But if there was one thing that might help to bandage the lost pride of this fiscally bleeding franchise, it’s clinging to the venue’s original name of Candlestick Park. With the aftershocks of previous spendthrift management still being felt, the only Monsters playing in this stadium are the visiting team; making Frisco home of the league’s biggest David and Goliath match-up on any given Sunday. Where’s the slingshot you ask? It went with the equipment manager who took a job with the Redskins. Now there’s a team that likes to spend money.

Worst Rule Enforcement: The “Chuck” Rule.

In what was the NFL’s answer to Baseball’s adjusting the strike zone to generate more scoring, flag-happy zebras have artificially stimulated more offensive drives than the Fed. With the reticence of defensive backs to make any contact in fear of handing over a fresh set of downs, it’s no surprise Deion Sanders came out of retirement. While it’s only a five-yard penalty if the defender interferes with a receiver, the obvious killer is the automatic first down. Just the way the “pitcher’s duel” has died a slow death in baseball, the “defensive game” is similarly on the way to extinction. But hey, it’s great for fantasy football. True, Peyton Manning just broke Dan Marino’s single season record for touchdown passes, however in 1984 Marino’s receivers were getting banged around like a pinball. Don’t expect an asterisk by Manning’s name that mentions his breaking the record in this new era of cloned offensive production. No wonder Marvin Harrison just signed a $66 million contract extension; he comes out of each game looking like he just left a spa in Palm Springs.


Most Stupid Controversy: The Pat Tillman Commemorative Sticker

OK, it’s fine to ostensibly place the Nike “Swoosh” on the sleeves of the jersey to get picked up by the television cameras. It’s OK to mandate that the American flag be placed on the back of the helmet despite the number of foreign born players. But it’s not OK for Jake Plummer to continue wearing the number “40” on his helmet for a guy making seven figures to quit football and die for his country. Granted, I understand the NFL’s stance on discouraging use of the uniform for symbolic speech, however in this case, it seems awfully hypocritical considering how overtly the league trumpets patriotism. Would it be OK if, say, a Pat Tillman Foundation paid to keep those stickers on? Just food for thought. Hey Mr. Tagliabue, lighten up will you? And you wonder why the NFL more and more stands for No Fun League. What’s next, are all those “92’s” scribbled to honor the late Reggie White going to draw fines in violation of the uniform code? Come on...


Most Annoying Trend: “Alternate” Jerseys

I’ve talked about this before, but it’s fascinating how teams break out their “alternate” jerseys (i.e. their non-traditional home colors) right around Thanksgiving when the holiday shopping season kicks into full swing. Clearly this is a merchandising ploy for teams to splinter yet another ancillary revenue stream. And now, thanks to the Miami Dolphins upsetting New England in those horrible crossing guard orange jerseys, we’re going to have a new wave of uniform superstitions come in vogue. I can see it now; Carolina will wear black against New Orleans, but pastel blue when playing Atlanta. It’s sort of a throwback to when teams made Dallas wear blue when they were on the road. Excuse me while I relish in my own precocity here…please read on.


Worst Referee: Tom White

I have no statistics to back up my case, but from what I’ve seen White’s crew throws flags like a popcorn machine. Not only that, but he’s made some downright awful calls that have woefully impacted the outcome of games. I breathed a sigh of relief when Dick Hantack finally retired. But compared to Tom White, I’m feeling sentimental for old “Ticky-(Han)Tack”. Talk about officiating gone frighteningly awry. If Dick Hantack was the Tiberius of NFL officialdom, then Tom White is surely Caligula.


Should Enroll in Media Relations 101: Chad Pennington, New York Jets

For a Jet quarterback to be embraced with the same verve by the New York media as Joe Namath, Chad’s done a lot to shoot himself in the foot. You don’t hear any guarantees coming from this boyish Tennessean. Snubbing the New York scribes who’ve treated him kindly is a public relations Pandora’s box. He’s in the crosshairs now. I’m sure Richard Todd, Matt Robinson, Pat Ryan, Ken O’Brien, Glenn Foley, Browning Nagle, Boomer Esiason, Neil O’Donnell and Vinny Testeverde would agree. And, yes, it is a legitimate question as to why he cowers when the Jets play the NFL elite. I think I’m going to pitch ghost writing a book for Santana Moss called, No, Really, Just Get Me the Damn Ball: The Trials and Tribulations of Being a Deep Threat in a Dink-and-Dunk Offense. Talk about an underutilized weapon. All I hear is “Chad’s not right, Chad’s not right,” but where’s the evidence of this strained shoulder? Arm strength has always been a concern, but I’ve seen heavier firepower watching JV Hotchkiss play Kent. Could this “shoulder injury” be subterfuge for Namath II being a broken toy? A $64 million cover-up? What’s going on behind those closed doors at Weeb Ewbank Hall? Conspiracy theorists beware, Chadgate could be the next apocalypse to pummel Gang Green.


Team That Always Gets Off Easy: Detroit Lions

Are the Detroit Lions the NFL’s Chicago Cubs? Those loveable losers that in some unfathomable way trigger an “aw shucks” reaction as opposed to an expletive filled tirade when they blow it? Do those richly soft blue jerseys have some innate calming effect that other colors don’t? Last year New Orleans blew a PAT after a kick return that would have silenced the Music City Miracle and the press damn near marched the Saints out to Shreveport (or Los Angeles if their stadium negotiations fall flat). I know Saints fans that must sequester their kids at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Fuhgettabout what happens here in New York. Anyway, several weeks ago, Detroit, with Joey Harrington suffering from the flu, had a remarkable (albeit penalty assisted) end of the game drive which would have put the game in OT had they just made the oh-so routine extra point. They didn’t, botching the snap in the final seconds, and thus tipping the scales enough for the undeserving Minnesota Vikings to probably sneak into the playoffs. The reaction was nothing more than ho-hum, though Don Muhlbach, Detroit’s long snapper, did get his fifteen minutes of notoriety. It’s pathetic yet gracious how the Lions year after year get off Scott free despite starting every season with such promise. Perhaps the downtrodden history that Motown has endured makes us take a blind eye to this perennially disappointing franchise. Maybe it’s the felinetine lore of multiple lives that makes Lion fans continual optimists that, indeed, someday their team will reign as the NFL’s king of beasts. Or is it because guys like Steve Mariucchi, Wayne Fontes, Marty Mornhinweg and Monte Clark just can’t do anything to ever piss us off? Whatever it is, Detroit remains strangely immune to the critical bombardment that other teams must ride out.


Team That Should Permanently Revert to Their Old Uniforms: San Diego Chargers

Interesting, I see LaDainian Tomlinson’s jersey worn around New York in San Diego’s old AFL powder blue look. Got to say, I’m on that retro bandwagon. Maybe they’ll dovetail the switch once they finally get the new stadium they’ve been in negotiations for. I hope so. Even the look from the “Air Coryell” days beats what they have now. Actually, those uniforms also looked pretty good. It’s OK to look back in the rearview mirror once in a while…and sell millions of dollars worth of apparel to boot. I’m already sold.


Team That Should NEVER Permanently Revert to Their Old Uniforms: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

OK, this was an easy one. But there’s something about a team that takes Tennessee Volunteer Orange, gives it a dash of red, and emblazons a cartoonish, Village Peoplesque, winking pirate on the helmet that just screams 1976 NFL expansion. ‘Nuff said… How’s the moniker of “Pewter People Eaters” sound? Anyone? Anyone?


Team That’s Supposed to Get to the Super Bowl But Won’t: Philadelphia Eagles

OK, with the mediocrity of the lame NFC it looked like Philadelphia could have booked their hotel rooms in Jacksonville by mid-October. And, yes, I’m in agreement with the sports establishment that Philadelphia lost some of their invincibility and swagger when T.O. went down. But what really bothers me is how they approached the Monday night game in St. Louis, and lost. McNabb played but one quarter, Brian Westbrook didn’t even suit up, and starting tackle, Tra Thomas, was excused from playing for personal reasons. Bullocks I say. For a team that’s lost the NFC Championship game three years in a row, at home no less, the Eagles should send a message that they’re going to obliterate every opponent with no apologies. Instead, they’re being tentative, just hoping, wishing, praying, that they can remain mostly intact for the post season. In essence, they’re succumbing to the weight of expectations and are glad just to survive instead of go for the kill. It’s a blatant advertisement that they’re feeling vulnerable, and if I were an opposing coach, I’d pound the Eagles with blitzkrieg belligerence. Look out for dark horse Green Bay to steal this one away.