OLD HAT

I can’t hold it in anymore. Just can’t. I don’t like to use this site to bash other writers; one’s that get paid to do this sort of thing. But alas, I can’t take it any more. The voices in my head, the tossing and turning at night, the pent up need to exorcise these emotions is just too overpowering. So here we go: I love Sports Illustrated, but I can’t stand Frank Deford.

I know this is somewhat sacrilegious to those who hail from the old school. It’s along the lines of assassinating the integrity of Walter Cronkite or panning the latest schmaltzfest by Ron Howard, but so be it. Longevity and awards hardly make one sacrosanct, in fact, if anything, it demonstrates adherence to established journalistic norms rather than challenge the system. And Deford, who writes with the provinciality of a tweed-laden English professor, couldn’t be more of a “yes man.” A token wonk to give sports rags some Ivy League cred.

One story by Deford that really struck a chord (no I’m not trying to write in verse…thank you) was called “Heap Big Hypocrisy”. The piece was a recycled rant about the continued defilement of the American Indian thanks to nicknames like the Redskins. To be fair, there is some legitimacy to this argument. Even I, who at times can be “sensitivitally challenged”, will agree that logos like that of the Cleveland Indians are pretty disrespectful. But that’s not the point. The point is forging ahead after 15 years of self-censored speech. The thing with offensive team nicknames is old; rehashing the days when political correctness reached its zenith in the early 1990s. Some organizations, sadly, did cave under the pressure. The Portland Oregonian, for example, enacted a policy that abolished the use of “offensive” nicknames in its stories. When writing about, say, the Atlanta Braves, the paper would simply refer to them as “the baseball team from Atlanta”. St. Johns University, formerly known as the Redmen, became the Red Storm.

Deford goes on to say, “Now, at last, the NCAA has begun a review of the situation, with an eye toward considering whether it indeed might possess the authority to force member schools to change their dubious nicknames.”

Dubious nicknames? Where do you draw the line? Lets throw famous brand names like Indian Motorcycles, Cherokee Clothing and Red Man Tobacco into the mix as well.

Maybe the Boston Celtics should modify their “cartoonish” logo in order to stay PC among the Irish. How about the Minnesota Vikings? Someone in the Twin Cities must find them offensive; besmirching the folklore of the area’s Scandinavian heritage. Is the fleur-de-lis on the side of the New Orleans Saints helmet a sign of French disrespect? Perhaps the Saints should change their name altogether. After all, the Church could hardly be thrilled about a team called The Saints paying grown men to knock the crap out of other human beings. The Chicago Bulls anyone? PETA members get your placards out. How dare a nickname suggest bovine zeal when it’s really about killing cattle in the old stockyards. It’s offensive and sneaky, not to mention glorifying an industry synonymous with worker exploitation. Awful.

Where does it end?

Houston Rockets? Could be construed with exacerbating the Cold War; a war that put America trillions of dollars in debt. Pacifists and fiscal conservatives should unite until a more suitable nickname is found.

Pittsburgh Steelers? Anyone know how harmful the steel industry was to the environment? Why haven’t the PIRGs led a siege onto Heinz Field? A name change is clearly in order.

San Antonio Spurs? Naming a franchise after an implement used to impale horses is vile; even for Texas.

Kansas City Royals? Lots of fine, red-blooded Americans died to keep our country liberated from monarchy oppression. And to have a team called the Royals in our heartland isn’t just offensive, it’s contemptuous.

New York Knickerbockers? The name refers to New York’s blueblood upper crust; a ruling society that thumbed their nose at the working class. It’s an outrage to have a name promoting class envy like this. Amazing we haven’t seen race riots outside of Madison Square Garden…at least not yet.

Ridiculous? That’s the point.

Deford also says, “sport nicknames may seem like a small, even foolish, thing, but their visibility helps keep Indians trapped in history, cartoon figures frozen on the warpath." I agree, it is a small, even foolish thing, however for years these small foolish things have grown into monumental warts on our society; leaving self-inflicted gag orders to keep things innocuous and vanilla. Political correctness has already made American sports that much more banal. Names like the Jacksonville Jaguars and Washington Wizards (formerly the Washington Bullets) reflect the focus-group-friendly world that Deford craves. Enough with taking the safe route.

Maybe teams should just abandon competition all together. Just email each other’s game plan and call it a draw. That way no one gets hurt, or worse…offended.


OTHER NOTES:

A few thoughts about, well, things going on. Granted I’m sort of “borrowing” Peter King’s “Ten Things I Think I Think” from his outstanding Monday Morning Quarterback column. But Peter King is open about what he borrows too. So what goes around, comes around.

1) I think New York City’s soul was saved thanks to the West Side Stadium getting nixed by the state legislature. New York City has been the last frontier for America’s corporate chains, but thanks to stratospheric rents, only the chains can afford to move in here now. There are already two Home Depots in Manhattan. TWO! And with the Disneyfication of Times Square well entrenched, a West Side stadium would provide a hugely fertile swath of asphalt for the likes of Ruby Tuesday and all its clones. For the first time in my life, something significant happened in Albany. Lou Reed should write a bad song about it.

2) I also think it’s a blessing in disguise that New York will likely not get the 2012 Olympics. We don’t need the prestige and we don’t need seven years of jackhammers, traffic, and every official on the planet telling us how to make the city “safe”. Big Brother has already found a home in our fair city, and he’s not very welcome. In terms of making money, the city is better off selling lemonade on the street than hosting the Olympics. Get over it New York, we have nothing to prove to the world. Work on Ground Zero instead.

3) Saw Pedro Martinez pitch live for the first time on June 2. It was an unseasonably chilly night for early June, but for five bucks we put up with the discomfort (yes there actually are some bargains in New York). Was too far up in the right field upper deck to gauge Pedro’s stuff, but his charisma belted us like fresh menthol pellets placed in a steam bath. He’s got the “it” factor, that’s for sure. He’s been a fantastic acquisition for the Mets. I’m on the Pedro bandwagon.

4) I agree with the consensus that Eli Manning will have a big season with the Giants. I also think that Chris Snee will again show how the Giants have historically drafted better in the second round than in the first.

5) Saw the movie “Lords of Dogtown” despite being ten years north of the film’s target age. Damn good flick. Sort of where “Friday Night Lights” meets “Boogie Nights” on skateboards. This movie should make anyone feel deprived of not growing up in 1970s southern California. Heath Ledger borrows a little from Sean Penn’s Jeff Spicoli and a little from Val Kilmer’s Jim Morrison. Nevertheless, he plays a very likeable and memorable character. Check it out, even if your MTV was the one that showed videos.

6) I think “Hustle and Flow” will be the summer’s surprise movie hit both critically and at the box office.

7) Anyone see the Tony Awards recently? How about the French Open? Anyone? Anyone?

8) I think the Texas Rangers will get really hot in the latter half of the season.

9) I think the Mets are on the right track, but won’t be a playoff team in 2005.

10) I’ve always thought Starbucks coffee sucks.